"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
`--Jerry Seinfeld
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
`--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
`--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
`--John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
`--Bob Ettinger
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their entire lives."
`--Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
`--Rita Mae Brown
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
`--Ellen DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
`--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
`--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner."
`--Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
`--Paul Rodriguez
"If your feet smell and your nose runs, you were built upside down."
`--Unknown